Deep thoughts on Sam Lachow's triumphant solo release

Just got my hands on Sam Lachow's recent release "Brand New Bike" and I am giving it a listen, wholeheartedly. Some of you may remember Shankbone and their meteoric rise on 206Proof as quite possibly the nehttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifxt big thing... to SOYGNH. Then out of nowhere, two things happened.

Shankbone got a mention in the Huffinton Post alongside Macklemore:


Then Sam Lachow decided it was time to distance himself from the funny faced group of goobers and showcase his talents around himself and not his goofy fucking friends.

Further more, I heard Sam Lachow had sex with one of his teachers. That's fucking bossy right there. We've all heard about rappers and their groupies, but to toot it and boot it to your fucking teacher is MASSIVE. Sam gets points right there from me.

Anyway, let's get on with this review.

Track 01: Thank You For Tonight

This is a song. Sam basically composes the music from nothing but his voice, into a swanky jazz ensemble. As he directs his acquaintances in almost Sinatra like fashion, leading the Pack, he hits a crescendo and then passes vocal duties off to a beautiful voice... that of Eliza Young. Once she hits the track, it becomes grown up. This version is different from the version released with this video:



- the album version as a whole is better, but I prefer the female voice on the video version a bit more. The ultimate message behind this song is that Sam gets bitches. I believe him. He's running this pale face Seattle swag, all unapologetic style. This is grown folks music. Readers of the Huffington Post would get jiggy to this shit.

Track 02: Brand New Bike

Oh hey, Sam Lachow. Let's start this track out right with a pretty lady voice. Good choice. Pretty ladies > Shankbone Alumni. This song evokes the feeling of being young and not giving a fuck. Getting your new bike and exploring the neighborhood. You feel kind of invincible. This song makes you feel that way again. Of course, you weren't invincible. You were some prick kid on your new bike, one wrong turn away from getting it stolen or worse hit by a car because you're too busy thinking of Pokemon or some other kid shit than keeping out of traffic. Still, it's nice to be dumb and innocent again. Another great song that probably speaks deeply to those on the Eastside of Lake Washington.

Track 03: Hash Muffins

This is a smoking song that has a sensual feeling to it. It's totally gay for weed. The chorus is auto tuned, or some other version of robot voice. This is so fucking slow. All I can picture is all of the dudes on this song sitting around on a couch in a dark room, passing around a blunt and sucking it with super wet lips. I dunno. Not my favorite track on the album.

Track 04: Rude Pussy

This is a song about girls. Girls with attitudes. Sam thinks he's too cool for 'em, even tho they act like they're too cool for him. Then all of a sudden a girl starts rapping about all the guys she bangs. She's banging twins without them knowing... that's ass backwards. Twins should be tagging the same girl, acting like the same brother. Damnit. The chorus says "Who do you think you are? Marilyn Monroe? HELL NO!". I'm very conflicted on this one, because the Sam Lachow I think I know wouldn't give a shit about a rude bitch.

Track 05: Gary Payton

This is the song from the most recent video to drop from the album, I assume the single. It's fun. Sam comes different like Ham and Green Eggs. I GOT DUBS! I GOT DUBS ON DECK! I'm not sold on Sam's acquaintances, but they probably party tough with him. I would totally drink beers with those guys tho... they talk about Micro Brews and stuff, I bet their parents have a sweet bottle of Scotch above the refrigerator too.

Track 06: Backwards

Here comes the saxophone again and some pretty lady sing moans to accompany it. This song says that people are going to try and bring you down. A lot of people have tried to bring down Sam Lachow. I was one of them at first... but fuck man, I was wrong. He's just doing his damn thing and he's not out here faking his persona or cutting at another mother fucker.

Track 07: LittleManBigCity

Cute girl voice doing the "Da da da dada Da da" through out. Sam's talking to his brother about growing up. Telling him not to do bad stuff like smoke with cigawettes and do hood rat stuff. He drops the "fucked a teacher" line in this. Talks about doing hood rat stuff. Tells his brother not to grow up too fast. In New York City. Don't let it take you away. Good stuff, brother Sam.

Track 08: The Rapper (Interlude)

He's mocking those kids who want to be rappers and not do anything else with their life. Whining to their daddy to feed them while they try to be Snoop Dogg. It's in an aristocratic voice. Lulz.

Track 09: My House

This track boasts that you need to take your fucking shoes off before coming into Sam's house. It's a metaphor for him running this shit. It's probably the most Sam Lachow way of saying, he runs this rap shit. It's pretty fucking good. I like it. If you have beef with a man telling you to take your shoes off, then I guess you need to go walk through dog shit and slide it across Sam's carpet.

Track 10: Captain Fun

This is a party track. Sam's hangs with all types of people. Gangsters and party kids and stuff. Just a bunch of dumb guys doing what kids do. Don't complain about the noise, damnit. You used to make noise. AWE AWE YEAH! I hate the guest appearance's whiny rap voice... but fuck it, I bet he's a beast at Beer Pong.

Track 11: The Best Part

This song is cheery. When you're a contract killer you're SUPPOSED to shoot. Hardest verse on the entire CD so far is on here... from Razpy. Sam proudly exclaims he doesn't need ex-girlfriends. There's plenty of fish in the sea and Sam's a fucking angler.

Track 12: Illegal

Sam talks about guns. People dreaming that they could take him out. HE'S A GANGSTER ASS WHITE BOY! This song is pretty HOARD. HOW THE FUCK IS THIS LEGAL? This CD is getting progressively more gangster as it nears it's end. Much like Sam himself, at first take, you see a classy student with a penchant for fun, but when you dig deeper... fuck, he's banging teachers and smoking blunts with known thugs. If you're a gangster in Seattle and you don't have yourself a white boy in the crew yet, I suggest you swoop up Sam. He's on some MVP white boy status.

Track 13: Swisher Sweet Dreams

This one goes out to Seattle. Not just for the blunt smokers... everybody. The girl on the hook comes appropriate. This is the far superior weed ode to the Hash Muffins track. Sam paints some pictures of Seattle, from when he was growing up... but it's all a memory now, as he's moved on. The track cuts out and after a short silence, we get an accapella bonus. The CD is over.

Final analysis?

If you've ever liked any of Sam's songs, you will like this CD. There's two Sam Lachows on this disc. The jazzy, ladie's man Sam and the swagged out white boy Sam. There's about a 50/50 split on those tracks through out. Would I listen to this again? Maybe... if I ever listened to music for leisure. But I don't. I listen to music for sport. For the hopes I can gut apart somebody's hard work.

I would have loved to gut apart Sam Lachow's album, Brand New Bike... but I can't. He took all the right steps. He put out a good CD. I bet my mom would love this CD. I hope Sam makes like a million dollars off this music. It's more refined and grown up than most anything I'm hearing from rap kids his age. I can just imagine him headlining a night at Seattle's Jazz Alley. Smiling white faces in the crowd, nodding back and forth as they eat their high priced dinner salads.

Good job!

I lost my smile...

The situation: People have been asking where I've been lately and wondering what's up with this particular blog. They wonder why I'm not calling out fools on their buffoonery or whack-tastic voyages. They want to know what I've been doing... have I been slacking? Have I fell off? The truth is, I've had serious heart failure.



My heart's just not in it like it used to be. As fun as it is to play watch dog, it's just as repetitive and rarely rewarding. I just don't care about Larry the Loser and his campaign for Northwest domination. I care about my own path. I care about the groups who are making positive moves and delivering fun music. I care about love and family. Something I have found in Seattle Hip-Hop. Something I will always defend and honor. It's just not something I need to be picking apart at the seams.

Game tips/Walk throughs: SORRY! I'm focused on the positive right now. I have a lot of projects open, not to mention the great people I've been working with for live shows in this city. It's been a lot of fun. This blog might see some more posts, but I think it's going to be under a new pretense. The old ways were fun for a while, but '010 needs to be different.

206Proof's BurnsGiving Celebration

The situation: Linked here for those interested in the new tradition, members of the 206Proof Hip-Hop forum were encouraged to spend the day of Thanks slamming the shit out of each other. Myself, Gatsby aka Dro Boy, DJ Nphared, MTK, Duranged Pitt and even a holiday special cameo from Seattle Time's music blogger Andrew Matson (among others). We all took the time to celebrate.

I would suggest going over the lengthy thread of quick witted caps and give yourself a little chuckle. One of my favorite snaps was a simple "sorry I couldn't pick up the phone earlier, I was busy staring off blankly into space" from Larry Mizell - but then a generous paragraph or so from Nightclubberlang to Everett's super producer MTK was a gem too.

Game tips/Walk through: Get your Proof calluses. I suggest you check out the thread, linked above, and spend the next 360 some days preparing for our next BurnsGiving event, as this is definitely a tradition worth upholding.

8 Rappers To Watch Out For In Seattle....

8. Petty P
7. Petty P
6. Petty P
5. Petty P
4. Petty P
3. Petty P
2. Petty P
1. Petty P
The Situation: In a post titled "8 Artists To Watch Out of Seattle", where you will find a great write up/mixtape about some Seattle Rappers, you will also find a poor guy digging his grave. Enter Petty P... a man petty enough, that he would claim himself more deserving of recognition than artists like J. Pinder, Spaceman and GMK. He would continue to snap misguided disses through out the post, making himself look like an idiot in the process.

If things weren't bad enough for Petty, 206 Proof alias "Dave Meinert" (a twisted homage to Seattle music power figure Dave Meinert, NOT ACTUALLY Dave Meinert) entered the fray. He said this of Petty P:

"AYO PETTY P YOU CANT FUCK WITH MEINMILLY I GOT THAT SHIT FOR THE GANGSTERS AND TWEAKERS FUCKEN ACTIVISTS AND BARISTAS FAM

I GOT THAT SHIT FOR THOSE FUCKEN CRACKERS AT CAFE VITA AND MY REAL CATS IN THE HOOD WITH STREET SWEEPERS

MY CHAI TEA SIPPERS AND CANDY PAINT FLIPPERS FAM

MY FUCKEN CATS CARRYING NINES AND MY CATS WITH MCGINN FOR MAYOR SIGNS FAM

FOR VELVET PICKLE AND HER HOMEGIRLS* CREW AND EVEN PROMO'S PUNK ASS TOO

THEY CALL YOU PETTY P CUZ YOUR FUCKEN PAPER IS PETTY FAM"

This post would fuel the fire that set Petty P off into an oblivious spiral of self defeat. Remember, Dave Meinert is an alias on 206Proof.com - not a real person, so this is the equivalent of fighting with an imaginary friend.

Petty would go on to burn potential bridges with Larry Mizell Jr. (writer for The Stranger and DJ for KEXP's Street Sounds), Kitty Wu (respected 206 Zulu representative and long time partner in Coolout Television) and Duranged Pitt (super sized Gangster Rapper and man who's dick is more famous than Petty P). Needless to say, it's not good times for Petty's P.R. department.

Now, I tried to stay out of it all. I've known about Pierre for quite a while. He recorded a lot with my friend Isaac Meek at Undercaste Records and I feel really bad calling anybody out who I've seen fucking struggle to produce music of even the lowest quality. Before that even, I heard stories from cats in his hood that he was always the little homey, struggling to fit in. Anyone else can see this guy's about as awkward as a 3 Dollar Bill, there's no genius in pointing that out.

I did however make one joke at his expense, responding to this picture:

"Gotta love it when the only fan in the crowd has an on/off switch."

Sorry, the observation was priceless and needed to be said. I'm never hesitant to speak my mind... openly. Unfortunately, poor Petty P had some ideas who the "Dave Meinert" alias on the Proof was. In response to somebody bringing up Meinmilly's hiatus from the thread, Pierre replied with "u mean billy tha fridges big fat ass!!!??he dont want none!!??". As if you weren't wrong enough, Pierre, I am not "Dave Meinert"... and I do actually want some.

Game tips/Walk through: Let the Wookie win. Pierre, you're corny. It's not that I want to ruin your career, or even have to for that matter, you've done a great job of that on your own. The thing is, I find it fun and entertaining to rip people to shreds. I'm a winner by nature, I put a tenth the effort into this Rap Game than you do, and I get 100 times the reward. It's attitude.

While you sit there and whine about nobody giving a fuck about you or your music, then claim that you're way beyondish other cats in the scene, I sit back and contribute to the city as a whole. There is no "me" in Seattle, but there is a lot of Seattle in me. You need to choke back some of that dorky fucking ego you walk with, dude. Calling me out is a mistake you don't want to make.

BODIED: Behold a Pale Sosa

The Situation: Recent photos of Sammy Sosa have shown him with terribly bleached skin. His Casperish facial coloration has even garnered some comparisons to Michael Jackson's fading skin tone. Our friend DJ Nphared, a Seattle musician and 206Proof mainstay, came to Sosa's defense. The following string of posts happened...

Game tips/Walk through:

N.Buck Presents Rip Off 101

The Situation: This dude N.Buck just posted his Wale compilation on 206Proof.com - maybe you can find something wrong with this picture?

Now, look beyond the 4th Grade Photoshop 'mixtape' cover... even ignore that the track listing is nearly a complete rip-off of some Twitter posts Wale leaked of his own old shit. Take a look at the top of that cover, can you make out that writing across the top? It reads "N.Buck presents Hip Hop 101". Yeeeaah, about that... do your homework dude.

Anybody who's been around the town for a while knows that Hip Hop 101 was the weekly Seattle Rap Show produced for years on public access. Dev From Above (then Dirty Dev) was the host with the most and the Mad Krew posse kept the show running smooth. When Kitty Wu came with Cool Out experience and elevated the project, it just kept the show running smoother. It was a huge part of Seattle's Hip Hop history.

Game tips/Walk through: Training mode. Seriously, dude... don't go around trying to 'teach people' some shit, when you yourself need to learn a couple of things. Welcome to 206 101, boss. This may not be as epic as BBNR's treading on the Rocksteady Crew, but it holds the same tone. Change the fuckin' name, kid.

Throwback Thursday: Grandmaster B

The Situation: In 1992, Married With Children sitcom star, David Faustino, put out a hip-hop single.



Game tips/Walk through: Most of Seattle's aspiring Rap Star try-hards need to take heed. If early 90's Bud Bundy rapped better than you do, just quit.